Happy Mother’s Day to all the mommies out there. Before having Ben, I would never would have realized that motherhood would be such a wonderful thing, and worth every little challenge. I got this great thing from the wonderful Chariya, thought I’d share, with my commentary.

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Before I was a Mom,I never tripped over toys or forgot words to a lullaby. (i just tripped out of bars)
I didn ‘ t worry whether or not my plants were poisonous. (well, i never had any plants, period!)
I never thought about immunizations.

Before I was a Mom, I had never been puked on. (actually, I did…in college. those crazy college days!)
Pooped on.
Chewed on. (by a human, that is)
Peed on.
I had complete control of my mind and my thoughts. (though it’s debatable if I ever had control of them!)
I slept all night. (if you can call sleeping 4-5 hours a night “sleeping”)

Before I was a Mom,
I never held down a screaming child so doctors could do tests. (let me tell you, your heart breaks when you have to do that)
Or give shots.
I never looked into teary eyes and cried.
I never got gloriously happy over a simple grin. (it’s incredible how much his smile can light up my day!)
I never sat up late hours at night watching a baby sleep. (even now, I still check him at night to make sure he’s breathing)

Before I was a Mom, I never held a sleeping baby just because I didn’t want to put him down. (because you know, as soon as you put them down they start crying and want to stay with you anyway)
I never felt my heart break into a million pieces when I couldn’t stop the hurt. (kisses can’t fix everything!)
I never knew that something so small could affect my life so much…
I never knew that I could love someone so much. (sometimes i feel like my heart will burst with love when i watch him sleep)
I never knew I would love being a Mom.

Before I was a Mom, I didn’t know the feeling of having my heart outside my body..
I didn’ t know how special it could feel to feed a hungry baby.
I didn’ t know that bond between a mother and her child. (he’s my little best friend!)
I didn’ t know that something so small could make me feel so important and happy. (for the first time in my life, i’m taking responsibility seriously)

Before I was a Mom, I had never gotten up in the middle of the night every 10 minutes
to make sure all was okay. (seriously, if i couldn’t tell if he’s breathing, i poke him)
I had never known the warmth, the joy, the love, the heartache,
the wonderment or the satisfaction of being a Mom. (even now, it’s so hard for me to comprehend that these being grew inside of me and grows physically and mentally every day!)
I didn ‘ t know I was capable of feeling so much, before I was a Mom

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Have a great day, ladies! Hope your family treats you like queens today!

Tags: Funnies by Yano
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A first grade girl handed in the drawing below for a homework assignment.

After it was graded and the child brought it home, she returned to school the next day with the following note:

Dear Ms. Davis,

I want to be very clear on my child’s illustration. It is NOT of me on a dance pole on a stage in a strip joint. I work at Home Depot and had commented to my daughter how much money we made in the recent snowstorm. This photo is of me selling a shovel.

Mrs. Harrington

Thanks to Stephanie for this!

Tags: Funnies by Yano
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…but never really got it.

Yesterday’s VP debate was quite uneventful. I was hoping for a train wreck, given who is running for Vice President. Sarah Palin, who reads ALL newspapers and magazines, but can’t name one specifically, and Joe Biden, who talks before thinking and has been labeled “the gaffe machine”. I was hoping to laugh and maybe wince at times.

But it didn’t happen. The debate was ok. Sure, the candidates talked around some of the subjects. Sure, there were some things that were said that weren’t factually correct. In the end, though, both candidates did well. Sarah Palin seemed charming, didn’t get that “deer in headlights” look and when she didn’t want to answer, skillfully changed the subject to something she knew (most of the time it was energy). Joe had the facts and made sure not to look like he was attacking or talking down to Sarah, though sometimes he restated numbers too many times.

In the end, I think Sarah did MUCH better than I expected, but I feel that Joe had the upper hand. Whether or not he was the clear winner is debatable - I’m sure Sarah’s demeanor and straight talk is what some voters want to hear. But I feel like Biden had a good understanding of what he was talking about and he would make an excellent Robin to Barack’s Batman.

To end this, I’d like to post a picture that Redpac sent me that completely tore my shit up when I saw it. I have no idea why, but I totally laughed out loud.

If you have no idea why I find it so funny, google “rick rolled”.

Tags: Funnies, Reviews by Yano
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From his Answer Man column:

Q. Yo dude, u missed out on “Disaster Movie,” a hardcore laugh-ur-@zz-off movie! Y U not review this movie!? It was funny as #ell! Prolly the funniest movie of the summer! U never review these, wat up wit dat?
S.J. Stanczak, Chicago

A. Hey, bro, I wuz buzier than $#i+, @d they never shoed it b4 hand. I peeped in the IMDb and saw it zoomed to #1 as the low$ie$t flic of all time, wit @ lame-@zz UZer Rating of 1.3. U liked it? Wat up wit dat?

It just totally makes me laugh imagining Roger Ebert typing up that answer on his computer…even better, saying it out loud.

Thanks to LordKinbote for the heads up

Tags: Funnies by Yano
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My site was down for a couple hours today. I think it’s angry that I’ve been neglecting it so much lately. However, this week I have an excuse - I was out on Friday and needed to catch up, and two of my coworkers are on vacation this week, which leaves me a lot of work to do since I’m backup. Anyway, here’s filler - I thought it was appropriate since we had the convention last weekend…

Tags: Funnies by Yano
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Tags: Funnies by Yano
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I found this ad pretty funny. I’m sure Lysol was different back then, and that it wouldn’t be advisable to do right now. Sure, your vajayjay would smell like fresh summer rain, but I think the whole stinging sensation wouldn’t be too pleasant.

Thanks to Keith P. for this!

Tags: Funnies by Yano
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I fell asleep during SNL last week, but I did manage to catch “Weekend Update”, which is always a highlight for the show.

Amy Poehler had a nice little bit about Britney Spears and her need to show off her cooter to everyone.

Amy’s the best!

Tags: Funnies by Yano
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This one brought to you by Earl:

Skinny little white guy goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this HUGE black guy standing next to him.

The big guy sees the little guy staring at him looks down and says:”7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch private, 3 pound testicles, Turner Brown.”

The white man faints and falls to the floor.

The big guy kneels down and brings him to, shaking him. The big guy
says, “What’s wrong with you?”

In a weak voice the little guy says, “What EXACTLY did you say to me?”

The big dude says, “I saw your curious look and figured I’d just give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me. I’m 7 feet tall, I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 20 inch private, my testicles weighs 3 pounds each, and my name is Turner Brown.”

The small guy says, “Turner Brown?!…Sweet Jesus, I thought you said, “Turn around”

Tags: Funnies by Yano
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I always thought that Redpac was a fast eater. Whenever I’d go out to eat with him he’d be done with his meal before I even had 3 bites of mine. He scarfs his food down without breathing and finishes it in record time.

Last year, Redpac entered an eating contest at a Chicago Wolves hockey game. The preliminary round had him eating Twinkies. He practiced for weeks, and on the night of the competition, he beat out the pack and made it to the finals. I wasn’t there so I didn’t get to see him in action.

The finals had him eating buffalo wings. He was up against the winners of the other rounds - they had eaten a variety of other foods, like donuts, bratwurst and jalapenos. As I looked at his competition, I knew Redpac was in trouble - these were some big guys. Then again, the world eating champion was this tiny Japanese guy, right? Maybe Redpac had a chance.

But as you can see from these videos, he had no chance. Either he was too slow or these double fisting bottomless pits were too fast. I vote for too slow - it felt like 10 minutes before he finished that first wing!

Part 1
Part 2

He picked it up later on but the damage was done. However, he did finish with a respectable 27 wings eaten, and he placed in the middle of the bunch. If it was me, I would have finished about 6.

Youtube is fun. Expect to see more of my home videos in the upcoming months!

Tags: Funnies by Yano
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