Today is the three year anniversary of day my mother passed away. You know, I’ve wondered if I’ll always be waiting for this day to come every year, a day to reflect on the past and re-live everything that happened that day. Truthfully, it does get a little easier, but in many ways there is a sadness there that I don’t think will ever go away.

Before writing this I looked at my other posts from this day for the last couple years, as well as the posts that I made on that sad day and the days following. Life has gone on, and things have changed, but I can still remember so much from that day - the sadness that filled the room, the crying, trying to hold myself together for the sake of everyone else…I guess those are memories that will never fade.

Last year around this time, I was pregnant with Ben. I was so excited knowing that I was bringing a new life into the world, that I’d finally be starting a family of my own. But at night sometimes I’d think of my mother and how much I wished she was around. When she was alive I never really thought about how much I relied on her opinions and advice. I really didn’t think we had anything in common where her past experiences would help me. As I’m getting onto this new phase of my life, I realize that her words would help out so much…

I still like imagining things about her - what she’d be like with Ben. She’d give him her own special nickname, like “Benji” or “Bentoot”. She’d sing him little songs that would teach him to close and open his hands, she’d show him how to bat his eyelashes and make “beautiful eyes”, she would come over and grab the baby before even saying hello to me, she’d tell Ben that his mommy was crazy and that he should grow up to be a good boy, she’d babysit for him and I’d come home to find him chewing on her curlers. When I was pregnant making up these scenarios made me pretty sad, but now that Ben’s born, it gives me a sense of comfort to run through these little scenes in my head. She would love Benjamin so much, he would be her little prince, her little superstar.

Something that always makes me well up with emotion is thinking back on the day that Benjamin was born. That night, a bunch of my aunts and uncles came to the hospital to visit. They were so happy to see the little baby! Amid all the happiness, I know there was that underlying thought in everyone’s head - “I wish Cris was here”. I know part of the reason they all came was because ever since my mom passed, they’ve all been watching out for me. I can tell that they all miss her so much, and they want to make sure that their best friend’s daughter is taken care of. My aunts, in a way, have become surrogate mothers to me and my sisters.

I haven’t taken Benjamin to my mom’s grave yet. I was talking to Fata yesterday and said that I’d probably take Ben to the cemetary today if I had time with work and the Thanksgiving prep. I said, “He hasn’t met Mommy yet…” She replied with, “I’m sure he has…” Which is true. Though he hasn’t been to her resting place yet, which really wouldn’t mean anything to him - it would just be a place with weird shaped rocks and a lot of grass to Ben - I’d like to think that my mom is his personal guardian angel. There are so many times when I’d see him looking off into nowhere as if he’s watching someone and then he’d break out into a smile. It would be cool if my mom was watching over him - during her time here she raised 3 good kids (with my father’s help, of course!) and I’m sure she’d do a great job guiding my little Booger through life…

So yeah, I miss you, Mommy, but I know you’re still here watching over us and shaking your head at all the crazy things I’m doing to your grandson.

Tags: Daily //