em·pa·thy (mp-th)
n.
1. Direct identification with, understanding of, and vicarious experience of another person’s situation, feelings, and motives.

A friend of mine had a good friend pass away a couple days ago. She was sick and in the hospital for a while, and he was there for all of it, day and night he and their friends stayed with her until the end.

I’ve never lost a friend before, so I don’t know exactly what he’s going through. But I was there when my mother died, and I know how it feels to be there for the last moments of someone’s life. It’s a bizarre feeling, it doesn’t feel real.

I tried to think of what to say to him, if I should give the words that other people gave to me, the “right” things to say. Things like, “she’s in a better place right now” or “be strong, you’ll make it through this”. During times like this, people just don’t know what to say, but I didn’t know what to say for a different reason. I didn’t want to make it worse. I didn’t want him to know what he was going to go through.

But then I decided to just tell the truth. When my mother passed away, the words that consoled me the most were the ones that were truthful. The ones that didn’t hold back, the ones who said, “It will never be the same.” Because it won’t.

So I told him what I felt, I told him what I went through, I told him the feelings I went had, that I still have, I didn’t sugarcoat it all. I think when you’re feeling pain like this, you don’t want people to baby you, you don’t want to be babied. You want to hear that the feelings you’re going through are okay, that you’re not crazy. Although we didn’t go through the same experience, I knew so much of what he was going through.

I spoke from my heart, I spoke from what I went through, what I’m still going through. “You’ll hurt. You’ll feel so many emotions all at once. Anger, sadness, hopelessness, despair, confusion….there will be times when you’ll literally feel your heart breaking, times when your sadness makes you feel like you’re standing at the edge of an abyss with no end in sight. Life isn’t fair. You feel selfish, you want her back. You want more time with her, there just wasn’t enough time…It’s not going to be easy, and it will be something that is on the edge of your consciousness all the time. You’ll realize how trivial some things in life are, that the bigger picture is the more important thing, how precious every person in your life is…”

Of course, in a way, I was saying these things to him more for my own sake, than for his. Well, that’s the way it ended up. I was trying to console him and ended up opening up my soul and letting out my own issues.

It’s an understatement to say that I’m not over the death of my mother. It’s something I think about all the time. There are times when I miss her so much that I can’t breathe. There are times when I get so angry that she’s not around anymore to share all these things that are happening in my life and the lives of others around me. There are moments when I wish she was just around, sometimes I feel like my life would be so much better if she was just here.

I hurt. I still hate it when people ask me how I’m doing, because I always lie and say, “I’m ok.” Because sometimes I’m not. Someone once told me that she thought about her mother every single day, whether it be a song, a smell, a moment that triggered a memory…It’s the same for me - something reminds me of her every day, and in a small or large way, I would feel that despair in the very core of my heart. There are good days, and there are bad days. Luckily, there are many more good days than bad, but when those bad days come, watch out.

I would never want someone to go through this. But if they had to, I would want them to know that they’re not alone, they’re not crazy for feeling what they feel. It’s ok to feel selfish once in a while, or to shut down yourself so you can figure out what you need to do to try and lead a normal life again.

I try. It’s not easy and I don’t know if I’m doing good job of it, but I try.

Because that’s what she’d want me to do.

Actually, she’d probably tell me I was being O-A (which stands for ‘over acting’, which is the Filipino way of saying that someone is being a drama queen) and then she would tell me to go to sleep, muttering under her breath that I spend too much time on the internet.

So true, Mommy, so true.

Goodnight.

Tags: Daily //