Yesterday I was watching ‘Scrubs’, which I haven’t seen in a while. One of the subplots in the episode was how Carla and Turk were having marital problems. Carla was telling **Elliott** about how she missed her deceased mother, and to cheer her up, Elliott played some old answering messages saved on an unused answering machine (of course, with humorous results). Even with that, Carla couldn’t get out of her funk. Elliott brought Carla to the cemetary, telling her that there’s nothing wrong with speaking to the dead, that it’s actually quite healing. Carla thought it was weird, and felt uncomfortable being there, but as soon as she was in front of her mother’s grave, she found some solace and some relief. She was able to explain how much she missed her and needed her in her life.

I feel like that all the time. Sadly, I haven’t gone to the cemetary much to visit my mother’s grave. Even though I’ve been there multiple times, that little piece of reality is still hard to bear. But I do talk to my mom all the time, in my head. Yes, after looking at that sentence I think it sounds a little cuckoo (as I make little circle ‘cuckoo’ motions around my ears with my fingers) but it’s true. There have been so many challenges in my life in the last year, some you know, some I’ve chosen not to tell you. Hardships in my own life, drama in the lives of those that I love, things that sometimes feel so hard to take. During those times, I find myself talking to my mother, asking her for her help, her intervention, for her to look out for us. When I say these little prayers in my head, the selfish part of me always brings up the fact that if she was still here, these challenges wouldn’t be as hard. Just by her being alive on this earth, everything would be ok.

I wasn’t close with my mother, not close as some people are with their parents. We never really had long talks, she didn’t really know what was going on in my head, in my life. I believe that one of the nicknames I had for her in my head was ‘The Biggest Nag Ever on the Earth’. Of course, I’m sure every kid gives their mom that nickname every now and then. Yet looking back on her life, looking back on the person that she was, I realized that she was a person that everyone respected, that everyone loved. People cared what she had to say, and she never held back her opinion (to us, anyway).

I know it’s a little silly thinking that one person’s presence would solve all my problems, and I know that if she was still alive, these same things would probably happen. However, there’s a part of me that feels that we’d feel a little more comfort knowing that she was around, loving us when we shouldn’t be loved, telling us what to do, taking care of us when things went bad. Problems wouldn’t be as bad, knowing that she’s around. But she’s not.

So now, we just have to be content with the fact that she’s up there, watching us, still loving us no matter what we do.

Which isn’t what I really want, but hey, I’ll take what I can get!

Tags: Daily //