I don’t know if I’ll have any time tomorrow to do this, so I’ll do my annual recap of the year today.

I’d love to say that 2004 was a good year, but truthfully, it wasn’t. Sure, there were a lot of good things that happened, but I think that most of the year I was adjusting to life without my mom so it put a cloud over everything. For every good thing, there was a thin veil of sadness knowing that I couldn’t share it with her. There were days when I really fought the grief, trying to keep myself busy and moving just so I didn’t fall into an abyss of despair. I never knew that the grieving process would be like this - then again, it’s different for everyone, right?

But as much as it felt like it on some days, my whole year wasn’t spent in a fit of sadness. There was a lot to look back on and a lot that I’ve learned. So here it is:

- I know I don’t talk about him much here (because he reads it sometimes and asks, “Why do you tell people these things?”) I couldn’t have gotten through this year without Dave with me. He’s been my rock, and he’s been so patient with my crazy moods. We’re completely different people - I’m carefree, irresponsible and gifted with a short attention span, he’s focused, responsible and a nag. But a good nag. And he makes me laugh, he knows just the things to say to throw me into a fit of giggles - most people don’t know that he’s as funny as he is. He’s a great husband and sometimes I look at him and fall in love all over again. OK. Enough of the cheese. Moving on.

- I cannot imagine life without my family. Not only my sisters and my father (I’m still adjusting to just saying ‘my father’ rather than ‘my parents’) but the whole gaggle of family - the cousins, titos, titas and lolas. Some people would rather chew off an arm than go to a family party, but we look forward to them. We look for any reason to get together. I love them so much my heart could burst. They’ve been so wonderful to us (despite a little drama here and there) over the past year - it helps to know that so many people miss my mother, and that they’re all living up to their promises to her to take care of us (geez, I’m getting misty just typing this). One thing that stands out in my head is on the day we had the anniversary dinner for my mom’s death, we had all these things we brought back from the hall in my dad’s car. He had it parked in the garage and me and my dad started unloaded the many boxes of leftover food and things. Then suddenly the titos (uncles) came out and started helping out, and I was just hit with emotion, seeing all these guys helping out my dad, knowing that in their minds they were doing it because they were trying in every way to make life easier for my dad. *sniff* My family’s the best.

- If you’re ever traveling through Iowa, check out the rest stops - they have the best ones I’ve ever seen!

- I learned that it’s not a bad thing to go and get little things checked out by a doctor. Even a minor thing like seeing little flashing lights in your eyes can turn into something major like a retinal detachment. You’re health is something you shouldn’t ignore or take for granted! Get those checkups, people!

- Buying a new house isn’t easy. If I had to do it again, I’d get pre-approved for a loan, because the whole process is just os stressfull! When they do a credit check on you they really go way back - never thought that the super overdue video from college would come back to haunt me. Not that it was on my credit report, but it haunted me when I was thinking about it. But that overdue Express credit card bill WAS on that report. In the end, though, it’s all worth it. Waking up and walking around in your own house, that you’ve paid for with your own money - it’s a rush!

- Always carry around extra batteries if you carry around your camera. Nothing sucks more than having a photo opportunity than having your camera, but no batteries!

- I know I say this every year, but every year it gets a little easier for me - I’ve learned that as much as I’d like every person in the world to like me, it’s not going to happen. Life isn’t a popularity contest, and even if it was, I was never good at contests anyway. If I had to name my major flaw, my need for acceptance would be one of the top things (right behind my horrible short term memory). But it’s gotten easier over the years.

- I love spending time with my friends - whether it be friends I’ve known my whole life, a decade, a couple years or this year. Whether near or far, keeping in touch by phone or online, short track, comic books, work, college, highschool…. They keep up my spirits, they make me laugh, they make me happy and the warm my heart. I know so many incredible people out there, and I’m happy that they’re my friends.

- MT-Blacklist is one of the best things ever invented. Spammers be damned!

- I’m an attention whore. Are you happy now (Fatima, Claudine, or any of you bastards at work)? I admit it. Just the fact that I have this blog should be an indication that I like attention. The funny thing is, though, that as much as I do like attention, I HATE being the center of attention. Just like I like to lead people, but I hate being the leader. That’s why I’d make such a great vice president, or supporting character. I’m around, you know I’m around, but I’m not the one you’re focusing on.

- It still astounds me that people actually come here to read my novels of crap. I pull all this stuff out of my ass, and you all come back for more. Not only do you read it, but you remember it! I don’t know how many times I’ve seen an old friend or talked to someone and they’ve mentioned something that they’ve read on my blog. I love you guys.

- On the same note, I’m constantly reminded that I’ll never know who exactly is reading my blog. I remember I was told once by an artist at a convention that he had seen my comments about him on my site after googling himself, and that ‘everybody does it - I bet you that every person you’ve mentioned on your blog as found your site by searching for their names on google’. Which is true - I’ve gotten several emails and messages in the guestbook of people who’ve found themselves on my site.

- Here’s a hard lesson I learned - As much as you put your heart and soul into a company, worked a fourth of your life to learn the ins and outs of the company, it means almost NOTHING once that company is sold. OK, I’m being a bit harsh here. But the worst thing about being aquired by a new company? Feeling like you’re just another asset that’s been sold by your old employer - hardly even a goodbye or thanks for working here, I’m glad we had this time together. I think that’s what I’m most bitter about.

- You never know how good you had it before until you’re thrown into a similar situation. Having to learn a new kind of software is weird, especially when I’m starting to see all the great features that our old software had. I’m resistant to change.

- I learned to never EVER have Christmas at my house again. Well, at least in the next decade. It’s way too stressing!

- Even though I only lived in Long Beach for a year, I miss it so much - the weather, the food (pretty much just L&L Barbeque), the people who we’d become close with there, the beach, the mountains. As much as I complained about it while I lived there, I really did love it. I wouldn’t object to moving out there in a decade or so…

- As much as this year really sucked for me, I know that I’ve been blessed with so many things - a great husband, a wonderful family, a job, a home. But there’s that part of me that misses my mom so much, it tears me apart. But I’m lucky to have been raised by such an amazing woman, to have had her in my life for as long as I did. She’s something that I aspire to be when I get older - a woman with a successful career, beautiful children, a loving husband, and the admiration and love of many.

There’s so much more, but I just can’t think of it right now…I’ll add more if I think of any.

Happy New Year, everyone….looking to what 2005 has in store for me!

Tags: Daily //