Anguish
Flowers on My Mother’s Gravesite
\An”guish\, n. [OE. anguishe, anguise, angoise, F. angoisse, fr. L. angustia narrowness, difficulty, distress, fr. angustus narrow, difficult, fr. angere to press together. See Anger.] Extreme pain, either of body or mind; excruciating distress.
I heard the word in a reading today that they were using at my mother’s funeral, and it felt like it accurately described the way I was feeling. Today was a really hard day, since it was the funeral. It was hard to say one last goodbye to my mom as they closed the casket. It was hard to watch the pallbearers, my male cousins and Dave, carry the casket to the hearse.
At the church, when I was walking back to my pew after communion, I looked out to see who came to the mass, and was surprised and choked up to see the church filled. There were more people there than attend the regular Sunday mass at my church. When we came out, the parking lot was full of cars. Maui drove the car I was in, and the rest of the family drove in the car in front of us. We passed by the house, one last time. I was thinking to myself, “I wonder if Ewok (my dog) will be in the window to say goodbye….” but as the hearse approached, I didn’t see him. So then in the car in front of me, Fatima stuck out her head and yelled “Ewok!!!” and there he was, looking out in the window. I don’t know if he knew what was going on, but I was reassured knowing that he was there.
We headed to the cemetary, our caravan of cars. In the end, the number of cars in the procession totalled about 75 cars. I apologize to anyone that was caught in our traffic on Milwaukee Avenue. But it was great to see, so many people turning out for my mom. Being at the gravesite was so hard for us, it felt so final. A lot of things hit me then, how much I would miss my mom, and that this all was really happening. I didn’t even bother to stop the tears, I just let them flow. As I heard the cries of my aunts, the sighs and the cries to my mother being said as she was put into the ground, I thought how accurately their wails echoed the torment in my heart, how I wanted to cry out with them, “Mommy, I’ll miss you….I love you….” I just looked around me and felt saw such grief in the eyes of the people I loved, the sadness I felt was overwhelming.
So now is when we start to heal. I’m lucky, because we all get to do it together. We started already today, sharing funny stories and laughing a lot. We’ve all grown closer, thanks to Mommy, and she would have wanted it this way.
Tomorrow, happier thoughts. This blog is getting WAY too depressing, I know!
Once again this was beautifully written. Once again, I am sitting here with tears running down my face. Don’t worry about your blog being depressing, at least I am able to check on you and see how you are doing. My heart goes out to you Christine, take one day at a time, it will be OK. I promise. HUGS!
P.S. Mr. Brinks (my dog) sends a hug to Ewok too.
It’s good that you can talk about how you’re feeling. It will help you heal faster.
*hugs*
Beautiful, Christine. You ended on a positive note when you talk of healing together, sharing memories, and laughing. Yes, your mom would have wanted it that way.
God Bless You.
even though i couldn’t come there physically, i was there emotionally. i thought about everyone today. god bless.
Don’t worry about being depressing. Writing is a great way of getting your feelings out and a way of healing.
BTW, i forgive you for that traffic jam
Just being in the church, I could feel how much your mom was loved and how much she will be missed. It made me cry! But talk about it all you need to my dear..share your memories and your stories..it’s a wonderful way to share her and it’s part of the healing process.
it’s not depressing, it’s good that you can write about it , and to share laughter and tears with your family and friends.
poor Ewok, he misses your mom a lot too.