I found this ad pretty funny. I'm sure Lysol was different back then, and that it wouldn't be advisable to do right now. Sure, your vajayjay would smell like fresh summer rain, but I think the whole stinging sensation wouldn't be too pleasant.

Thanks to Keith P. for this!

This one brought to you by Earl:

Skinny little white guy goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this HUGE black guy standing next to him.

The big guy sees the little guy staring at him looks down and says:"7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch private, 3 pound testicles, Turner Brown."

The white man faints and falls to the floor.

The big guy kneels down and brings him to, shaking him. The big guy
says, "What's wrong with you?"

In a weak voice the little guy says, "What EXACTLY did you say to me?"

The big dude says, "I saw your curious look and figured I'd just give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me. I'm 7 feet tall, I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 20 inch private, my testicles weighs 3 pounds each, and my name is Turner Brown."

The small guy says, "Turner Brown?!...Sweet Jesus, I thought you said, "Turn around"

Stole this off of Wakka.

With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment, it is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person which almost went unnoticed last week.

Larry La Prise, the man who wrote "The Hokey Pokey", died peacefully at the age of 93. The most difficult part of this sad loss for his family was getting him in to the coffin. They put his left leg in and that's when the trouble started.

----brought to you by current coworker Sam.

Since moving back into my cube at work, it's been pretty empty - haven't brought any knick knacks or pictures to decorate it.

So Dan, ever the thoughtful one, put up a little something on my cubicle wall for me...a little joke, if you would call it that...

1. Sag, you're It.
2. Hide and go pee.
3. 20 questions shouted into your good ear.
4. Kick the bucket
5. Red Rover, Red Rover, the nurse says Bend Over
6. Musical recliners
7. Simon Says something incoherent
8. Pin the Toupee on the bald guy

Here's a funny for ya, since I'm too lazy to post today.

1. Any Man who brings a camera to a stag night may be legally killed and eaten by his fellow partygoers.
2. Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.
3. It is ok for a man to cry under the following circumstances:
a. When a heroic dog dies to save its master
b. The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse
c. After wrecking your boss's car.
d. One hour, 12 minutes, 37 seconds into 'The Crying Game'.
e. When your Date is using her teeth
4. Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.
5. If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever, unless you actually marry her.
6. Bitching about the brand of free beer in a Mate's fridge is forbidden.
Gripe at will if the temperature is unsuitable.
7. No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man in fact, even remembering your Mate's birthday is strictly optional.
8. On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.
9. When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may always ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.
10. You may flatulate in front of a woman only after you have brought her to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of flatulent entertainment, she's officially your girlfriend.
11. It is permissible to quaff a fruity chick drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach....and it's delivered by a topless supermodel...and it's free.
12. Only in situations of Moral and/or Ass peril are you allowed to kick another guy in the nuts.
13. Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.
14. Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.
15. If a man's zipper is down, that's his problem---you didn't see nothin'.
16. Women who claim the 'love to watch sports' must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as much beer as the other sports watchers.
17. You must offer heartfelt and public condolences over the death of girlfriend's cat, even if it was you who secretly set it on fire and threw it into a ceiling fan.
18. A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.
19. Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both. That's just plain mean.
20. If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you'd better be talking about his choice of beer.
21. Never join your girlfriend or wife in dissing a Mate of yours, except if she's withholding sex pending your response.
22. Phrases that may not be uttered to another man while lifting weights:
a. Yeah, Baby, Push it! b. C'mon, give me one more! Harder! c. Another set and we can hit the showers! d. Nice Ass, are you a Sagittarius?
23. Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing, both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.
24. Never allow a conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone; hang up if necessary.
25. You cannot rat out a co-worker who shows up at work with a massive hangover. You may however, hide the aspirin, smear his chair with limburger cheese, turn the brightness dial all the way down so he thinks his monitor is broken, and have him paged over the loudspeaker every seven minutes.
26. The morning after you and a babe who was formerly 'just a friend' have carnal drunken monkey sex, the fact that your feeling weird and guilty is no reason not to nail her again before any discussion about what a big mistake it was.
27. It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for her to drive yours.
28. Thou shalt not buy a car with an engine capacity of less than 1.5-litres * thou shall not really buy a car with less than five litres and eight cylinders.
29. Thou shalt not buy a car in the colours of brown, pink, lime, green, orange (unless it's a Pacer/Charger) or sky blue.

Three engineers and three accountants were traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three accountants each bought tickets and watched as the three engineers bought one ticket.

"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asked an accountant.

"Watch and you'll see", answered an engineer.

They all boarded the train. The accountants took their respective seats, but the three engineers all crammed into a rest room and closed the door behind them. Shortly after the train departed, the conductor cam around collecting tickets. He knocked on the restroom door and said, "Ticket, please." The door opened just a crack and a single arm emerged with a ticket in hand

The conductor moved on.

The accountants saw this and agreed it was a quite clever idea. So, after the conference, the accountants decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money (being clever with money, and all that). When they got to the station, they bought a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the engineers didn't buy a ticket at all.

"How are you going to ride without a ticket?" said one perplexed account.

"Watch and you'll see", answered an engineer.

When they boarded the train, the three accountants crammed into a restroom and the three engineers crammed into another on nearby. The train departed.

Shortly afterward, one of the engineers left his restroom and walked over to the restroom where the accountants were hiding. He knocked on the door and said, "Ticket, please".

A panda walks into a restaurant, sits down and orders a sandwich. He eats the sandwich, pulls out a gun and shoots the waiter dead. As the panda stands up to go, the manager shouts, "Hey! Where are you going? You just shot my waiter and you didn't pay for your sandwich!" The panda yells back at the manager, "Hey man, I'm a PANDA! Look it up!"

The manager opens his dictionary and sees the following definition for panda:

"A tree dwelling marsupial of Asian origin, characterized by distinct black and white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves."

Well, I'm not going to be in Chicago when my company has its annual Christmas party. I know the president of the company will miss having me come up to him to ask if he's going to buy another pitcher of Mai Tai's so we can get a free jacket from the restaurant.

So all of you that are going to be having your company parties, have a drink for me!

Office Christmas Party Tips for the Moderation Challenged

10. Once your pantyhose have a big "Easy Access" hole in the upper thigh, just take 'em off already. You're not fooling anyone there, classy-chick.

9. The president of your company does NOT want to know how YOU think things are REALLY going. Cause you know what? If anyone really cared, YOU'D be president. So just move along, smarty-pants.

8. Eat any and all cheese products you are offered throughout the evening. It works. I don't know why, but it does. I choose not to look that particular gift horse in the mouth. Just stick to the cheese and be grateful.

7. Arrive at the party assuming you are going to be put in a cab and sent home. Translation, know your address, or at least have it written down somewhere. And for god's sake, hang on to some cab fare.

6. Nothing says class like a woman double fisting Bud from the bottle. (Use a cup, just this once.)

5. If your party is open bar all evening long, you've hit "BONANZA." Pace yourself, or you'll be pissed in the morning when you realize you were sent home in time to watch Jeopardy. If your party is open bar only for an hour, offer to help "organize" so you can get there early and hoard alcohol for yourself and your friends. If your party is cash bar only, consider quitting now. It's only December 1--you can get a new job at a company that will at least pick up the friggin' bar tab for an hour. Jeez-it's Christmas, tight-ass!

4. Just because you can't see others while you're hooking up with your intern on the dance floor doesn't mean others can't see YOU.

3. If you've fallen down more than once, and you still want to keep your job, thanks for playing, we have some nice parting gifts for you, buh bye. Check yourself out before someone has to check you in to the emergency room. (Note: Stumbling is perfectly legal. Falling and hitting the ground is not. More than once.)

2. Your body, especially your hands, do not belong anywhere within 6 inches of your boss's body. Not forany reason, period. If you find your hands in need of something to do, get another drink for crying out loud. Or wait till you get home, Spanky.

And my number one piece of Office Christmas Party Advice for the Moderation Challenged is...

1. Stay a drink or two behind anyone you really don't like. Think of the hours and hours of fun and excitement you will have talking about what a drunken fool they were at the party the next day! Oh...sure, I had 10 g&t's, but you'd think SHE'D at least slow down after number 11...duh?!?!?)

I love a good dirty joke. This has always been one of my favorites. It didn't really occur to me until last weekend how funny some of my readers would find it, because of the subject matter. Read it, and you'll see. You know who you are.

Three men had a very late night drinking Guinness. They left in the early morning hours and went home their separate ways. The next day, they all met for an early pint, and compared notes about who was drunker the night before.

The room was silent for a moment. Then, the first guy spoke out again, "Listen, guys, I don't think you understand... Chunks is my dog."

If you gave names, it would make it even funnier. *evil grin*

Since I have such a fixation on food, I thought this would be appropriate for my page. It's not rolling on the floor laughing funny, but it brought a smirk to my face. Sometimes, Satan isn't too bad of a guy...

And God populated the earth with broccoli and cauliflower and spinach and green and yellow vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.
And Satan created McDonald's. And McDonald's brought forth the 99-cent double-cheeseburger. And Satan said to Man, "You want fries with that?"
And Man said, "Super size them." And Man gained pounds.
And God created the healthful yogurt, that woman might keep her figure that man found so fair.
And Satan froze the yogurt, and he brought forth chocolate, nuts and brightly colored sprinkle candy to put on the yogurt. And woman gained pounds.
And God said, "Try my crispy fresh salad."
And Satan brought forth creamy dressings, bacon bits, and shredded cheese.
And there was ice cream for dessert. And woman gained pounds.
And God said, "I have sent your heart healthy vegetables and olive oil with which to cook them."
And Satan brought forth chicken-fried steak from Cracker Barrel so big it needed its own platter. And Man gained pounds, and his bad cholesterol went through the roof.
And God brought forth running shoes, and Man resolved to lose those extra pounds.
And Satan brought forth cable TV with remote control so Man would not have to toil to change channels between ESPN and ESPN2. And Man gained pounds.
And God said, "You're running up the score, Devil." And God brought forth the potato, a vegetable naturally low in fat and brimming with nutrition.
And Satan peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy center into chips and deep-fat fried them. And he created sour cream dip also.
And Man clutched his remote control and ate the potato chips swaddled in cholesterol. And Satan saw and said, "It is good."
And Man went into cardiac arrest.
And God sighed, and created quadruple bypass surgery, angioplasties, and stints . . . . .
And Satan created HMO's...