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My aunt died last Saturday.
She was my mother's brother's wife, who came from the Philippines about 7 or 8 years ago, I don't even remember when. Although they lived down from the street where I grew up, I hate to admit that I didn't know her as well as I could have, never took the time to visit them or see how she was doing after she got diagnosed with cancer.
From what I know of her, she was a sweet, gentle woman, who was soft spoken and incredibly shy. Maybe that's why it was hard for me to know her, to break through that shyness and find out who she really was. Once in a while we'd be on the same bus together when I was going home from work, and we always make a little small talk. During those small moments together, I could feel that she loved me and that she was always proud of me - she would say it in her small, quiet voice.
I really don't know how I feel. She was battling cancer at around the same time my mother was. I was concerned to hear that she was brought ot the hospital, but didn't think it would be anything bad. My mother was in the hospital for a couple months before she passed away. I guess I expected the same. However, my aunt died the same day.
Yes, I was in shock when I learned of it, but maybe I was expecting myself to take it the way I did when my mother passed. More tears, more gut wrenching emotion, the abyss of despair. That didn't happen. It was a sense of loss that I felt, but I felt that for her, her journey had ended and she was no longer in pain. I was overcome with a sadness that I didn't know her better, how I would never get that chance, and a concern for my uncle, how he'd be alone and wondering how he was doing. But there was more, but it's so hard for me to figure out what it is, much less put it into words. Maybe it's that I thought of my mom a lot, in a small way reliving those moments when I realized she was gone. Part of me was hoping that my aunt didn't feel much pain, that she wasn't scared. Then another part of me was loathing the fact that we'd be going through this all over again.
I guess we mourn differently for different people.
I'll miss her.
*sigh*
I'm tired of death.
Posted by Yano at March 21, 2005 06:35 PMoh.i.hear.you.all.too.well.
i guess that my two cents on it is that, at the end of the day, it's a part of life. by the very fact that we exist, we'll die.
we just gotta make the most of the time that we do have. =)
Posted by: bernadette on March 21, 2005 10:09 PMand if i weren't such an ass, i would've given you my condolences in my previous post.
oh well. sucks to be me, i guess.
chalk it up to too much reading of the obscure russian literature.
Posted by: bernadette on March 21, 2005 10:10 PM*hug* my condolences.
Maybe if you do something for the research of breast cancer, you'll feel a little better? For instance, I do the clicks every day, and I did the Breast Cancer Race for the Cure in LA. Death sucks, but it's life. I miss my aunt so much, and when I was doing the run I just kept thinking of her--and that is what got me to cross the finish line.
I hope it gets better for you and your family. *hug* Keep yo' head up & just remember that they are in a better place...
Posted by: LeeN on March 21, 2005 11:47 PMi know how you feel because I feel the same about her. i wish i knew her better. i wish i felt something more... i'm tired of death too. *hugs* to you...
Posted by: bumblebootie on March 22, 2005 01:21 AMI'm sorry to hear about your new loss. **hugs**
Posted by: Trisha on March 22, 2005 06:23 PMThanks everyone.
Posted by: Yano on March 22, 2005 09:29 PM
