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My cousin Melanie's dad is in the hospital. He's been there for a couple days, under observation. I admit that I was a little shaken up when I heard. Her father, Tito Roni, is like a second father to me. They've always lived next door to us. His wife, Tita Ellen, was my mom's best friend. So if you could keep him in your thoughts, that would be great.
Today was an awful day for me. I felt like I was at work forever, and I had conference call after conference call after conference call. I had 6 conference calls today, one right after the other. I was a big ball of grumpiness.
After work, I went to go and visit my uncle at the hospital. Unfortunately for me, he was at the hospital that I know too well - the hospital where my mother passed away. I hadn't been there since the day she died. But I really wanted to be there for my uncle, so I went there. As I walked around the hospital, so many memories hit me. I winced as I smelled that hospital smell, the whole time I was there, there was a bit pit in my stomach and I was filled with sadness.
I tried to be cheery for my uncle, even though it was hard to see him in the hospital bed hooked up to the IV. My heart was filled with grief, my thoughts brimmed with sadness, remembering what I saw the last time I was there. He's doing well and will probably be out tomorrow. We talked for a bit and had a couple good laughs.
Times like this, I really miss my mom. The weight of it hits me so hard, it's difficult to breathe. It's difficult to put into the right words what I'm feeling. Despair? Grief? Sadness? The world seems a little more chaotic, a little more confusing without her here. She was the glue that held all of us together, she was our heart, our conscience.
There's so much drama going on in my life - some you know, some which I can't tell you. Sometimes I wonder how I could be witness to so many crazy things. Then I wonder if my mother's intervention would have made my world a little more normal. It hard to know she's not here, she can't give us her two cents. She was filled with so much love, she had so much strength to endure the challenges life gave her. I only wish she was alive right now to help those she left behind with the challenges of life.
Today, I came home from my various escapades exhausted - physically and emotionally. I've put a lot of things in motion that I can't take back, and I can only see if some good comes out of it, or if I've messed things up even more.
Why does the world seem to fall apart when someone you love dies?
Posted by Yano at January 29, 2005 02:40 AMSending you positive vibes. You and your uncle are in my thoughts.
Posted by: la chica alta on January 29, 2005 07:30 AMI apologize in advance because this is going to be long. I don't want to write an email because I don't want you to feel obligated to respond.
You mom is alive Christine. She's living through you. You're the glue that holds so many people together, and I think you know that. You just have to stop thinking that being strong means you have to fix everything. There are some things you just can't fix. You need to realize that your strength, and what makes people gravitate towards you, is your presence. I don't mean you have to be there for everyone all the time, but you help so many people because you have such a strong spirit. There's a sense of permanence about you. I didn't know your mom, but I bet you got that from her. When some of us flounder, it helps just to know there's someone out there who wants us not to, who is so sure we can turn things around. That can be a heavy burden to carry, but try not to let it be. Try to understand that you don't have to always be there for everyone all the time because knowing that you're just around the corner is a big help.
And your world isn't falling apart, it's just changing. The most unexpected thing that happens when you lose someone is that the relationships between everyone they leave behind change. Everything will be shifting for awhile, maybe for a few years. Just try to protect yourself. You know how they say that during an earthquake you should stand in a door frame? Well find a door frame of your own and stand in it for awhile. You can't run around trying to catch all the falling bricks. Just save yourself right now. Find your own place and dig your heels in. Eventually everything will settle and then you can start to rebuild. And you're the glue, so you'll help everyone else just by surviving the chaos.
Posted by: Denizzy on January 29, 2005 11:18 AMDenise pretty much says it all. Just know that you have so many people who care about you and are there if YOU need them.
(((((HUGS)))))))
Posted by: Sue on January 29, 2005 11:23 AMGood thoughts & vibes sent to you and uncle~
Posted by: kane on January 29, 2005 01:36 PMHang in there, Christine! xoxox
Posted by: noelle on January 29, 2005 01:57 PMDenizzy and Sue pretty much said it. I'll add a big (((hug)))
Posted by: Sarah on January 29, 2005 08:14 PMHere via Michele's scavenger hunt... ;)
Posted by: panthergirl on January 30, 2005 08:47 AMHi again...just read this post and want to say that my thoughts are with you. I know that feeling of going back to the place where someone close to you passed away...it's so hard. Good for you that you can be there for your uncle. Hang in there.
Posted by: panthergirl on January 30, 2005 08:53 AMhugs & prayers for you at this time :)
Posted by: on January 30, 2005 10:32 AM
