My mother passed away one year ago today.

It's been a tough couple few weeks, realizing that this anniversary was coming. It brought back a lot of memories, and lot of feelings, a lot of 'what if's. Now that it's here, I don't really know how I feel.

I guess it feels just like it was yesterday. For some reason, I thought that the pain and sadness would ease off and that I'd come to terms with it, but although the sadness isn't as constant as it was a year ago, there are still times that I'm falling into the sadness, falling with no sight of the bottom.

It's obvious that I miss her a lot. There are so many times in the last year that I needed her, that she may not have helped me with, but I would have been comforted to know that she was just around. Of course, the right thing to say (that people have been telling me) is that she's watching from heaven, that she's with me all the time. Yes, I know that. But it's just not the same.

The other day I looked back at the eulogy I wrote, which is one of the hardest things I've ever had to write, and the hardest thing I've ever had to read - outloud, and to a room full of people. One thing that I reflect on a lot is how she took the time to talk to each one of us, telling us what she wanted us to do once we were gone - to take care of each other. She was always the one to take care of us, the glue that held our little pretend extended family together. The co-mother to a dozen kids. Now that she's gone, the group has come a little undone. I guess sometimes you forget the things that hold you together. Your sadness is so great that you try to set yourself apart. One thing that I didn't write about was my mother's power of forgiveness. That's a trait that I definitely got from her - the need to make everything in the world right. The want to make everyone in my life get along, to be happy. When me and Claudine would fight (which was often) she'd always tell us to make up, for me to leave her alone, for us to get along. It was that way in all aspects of her life. She would always be trying to make peace with people. Now that she's gone, there's a little less peace in our lives.

Yesterday, we had a prayer mass for the one year anniversary. The place, just like her funeral mass, was packed. We thought we had so much food (and anticipated a week of yummy leftovers) but there were so many people that there was just enough food to satisfy everyone. My mom was all about the food, so I'm glad that everyone had enough to eat.

One of my mom's coworkers was there, and she was pretty unfamiliar with Filipino parties. I guess outside of the Filipino community there is not one year anniversary prayer luncheon. But we Filipinos like to dwell on such things (as I do here). She asked me, "I think that this whole thing was beautiful, but I have to ask you, does it help at all?" And I had to think about it. Does it really help? Is my sadness any less? "In a way, it does help. I don't think it will stop the sadness that I feel every now and then, but it helps in knowing that there are so many people who loved her and who miss her. And she would have loved to see so many people here, eating, talking, laughing, reunited with each other." Because if there was one thing my mom loved more than food, it was food at a party with all her friends. And they were all there yesterday. Yesterday wasn't about sadness or grieving, it was about celebrating life, celebrating each other. Oh, and eating. We did a lot of eating.

Today, well, I wish I could just skip today. I'm going to work and I hope I don't end up a teary eyed mess. I'll likely just throw myself into work so I don't have time to think about anything. Time to dwell on my thoughts. Time to think back a year ago and hear the wailing and crying of the people in the room. Time to remember counting the seconds between her breaths before she took the last one. Time to remember just standing there, holding her lifeless hand, talking to her spirit to tell her that I love her.

Whoa. Better not cry on the the train.

So anyway...

I miss her a lot. Today is going to be a tough day to get through.

Here's some lyrics from the song "There You'll Be" by Faith Hill, which was playing on the radio as we drove away from the cemetary after the funeral:

Well you showed me how to feel
Feel the sky was in my reach
And I always will remember all the strength you gave to me
Your love made me make it through
Oh, I owe so much to you
You were right there for me

In my dreams I'll always see you soar above the sky
In my heart there will always be a place for you
For all my life I'll keep a part of you with me
And everywhere I am, there youll be

Love you, mommy.

Posted by Yano at November 22, 2004 08:34 AM

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