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Well, I'm back in Long Beach now. It was a great time in Chicago, but also a pretty stressing time. I was so happy to be home, the last time I was home was Christmas. But I think I was unprepared for how everyone would be. As I've said so many times before, people deal with grief in so many ways, but I never realized how different home would feel. Coming into my family's home, I was struck with an overwhelming sadness in the house. The air was thick with grief in the home, it's really hard to describe. But it definitely affected my mood while at home, a little sad, a little melancholy. Out of my sisters, I know it's been hardest for Fatima, who had witnessed all of it since the beginning, and who is left at home to tend to my father, who seems to have shut himself off. There's a distance he'd created between himself and everyone else - he was never really close with my aunts and uncles like my mother was, and right now, he doesn't have many people he can connect to, that he can talk to. I'm sure he feels so alone right now. I try to be there for him, not necessarily as someone he can open up to, but at least as someone who's supporting him.
We had a movie night with my dad, which I think he enjoyed, but once again, there was that air of something missing. Everything is such a delicate situation, I don't want the distance between me and my father to get any larger than it has gotten since my mother passed away, but we're all going through our own things. I want so much to help Fatima through it, too, because I know she has a lot of pent up feelings that she has yet to sort out. But it's all so hard to put these feelings into words - anger, despair, sadness, hopelessness, longing. So I just tried to be there for her, too.
There were moments when I came out of my room in the morning, expecting my mom to be sitting at the table eating breakfast. Or going through the mail and seeing mail addressed to her. It was so hard to go to her grave, I was almost afraid to. To see the grass starting to grow, and the headstone there made it all the more real to me. It just tears me up inside just thinking about it.
But it was nice to be home again, even with the rush of feelings, emotions and memories. It was nice to see old friends, hang out with the family and cousins, working with my coworkers. But I realize that when I go back home to live, it will never be the same. Saying goodbye to my father at the airport turned into this emotional 'Little Mermaid'-like farewell - you know, the part where she's leaving to live in Prince Eric's kingdom, and she gives her dad one last hug and says, 'I love you Daddy'. It gets me choked up every time.
Christine,
Time will help all of you heal. I really hope when you move back to Chicago it will help lift all of your spirits. Just be there for each other, that's all you can do. Some days will be harder than others but it will get better.
Posted by: Sue on May 19, 2004 09:21 AMit's been a while. i cannot even pretend to know what it feels like to be in your shoes. in alot of ways your dad reminds me of mine. people deal with their grief in such different ways. i wouldn't know how to approach my father in a similar situation. i don't think there is a way with certain people. i have been praying for your family, and will continue to do so. time will help, as it does with all things. i hope i don't sound petty, but God does see us and He does watch over us. again, i'll continue to pray.
Posted by: derrick on May 19, 2004 10:08 AMChristine you have some special people in your life. I can tell that, you attract them. And you wouldn't be that kind of person without a big heart. That's a gift from your family and will get you through the pain and healing. I know when I'm hurting a kind word means more than anyone will ever know, and most people feel the same way. Even if you Dad can't respond, he'll feel your love. And cards in the mailbox are also welcome I think.
Blessings,
SusanG
*HUG*
i'm not one for much words, especially emotional ones... but i understand how if feels to lose a loved one... it's extremely difficult. but just know that you and your family are in my thoughts... take care of yourself, and as my great-gramma always said to us, "be strong"...
Here's an excerpt from something Susan G sent me:
"And the final one -- Author and lecturer Leo Buscaglia once talked about a contest he was asked to judge. The purpose of the contest was to find the most caring child. The winner was a four year old child whose next door neighbor was an elderly gentleman who had recently lost his wife. Upon seeing the man cry, the little boy went into the old gentleman's yard, climbed onto his lap, and just sat there. When his Mother asked him what he had said to the neighbor, the little boy said, "Nothing, I just helped him cry." "
Maybe you're helping your dad by helping him "cry," even if he doesn't shed tears.
Glad you could be home for a bit to deal with your feelings and to help those you love deal with theirs.
i can't say anything better than the last person, i can just send out good vibes your way and hope you get them. i think it meant a lot to your dad you were there, though.
Posted by: marie on May 19, 2004 06:56 PM
