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All my life, I've never really known how to act or what to say to adults. So now that my aunt is here to visit, I just don't know what to do!
Yesterday, me and Dave took her to Shoreline Village to eat. It was pretty pleasant, and she had a lot of stories to tell Dave about my childhood and what it was like.
Today, I had to go back to the Oaks to work, and Dave had to work to, so we were both out of the house at about 5:30am, and I had to leave my aunt there with no car. I left my housekeys and note that if she wanted to walk around she could just take the keys with her. But I felt really bad that I had to leave her all alone.
She managed pretty fine, eating our leftovers from the night before for lunch and taking a walk around our apartment complex. As soon as I got home, I touched up my lipstick and we were off to meet my aunt and uncle, who I've never met and my aunt hasn't seen in 30 years. It was a nice reunion, they had many stories to share, and were soo happy to see each other.
But it was difficult for me, because for some reason I'm really uncomfortable around adults and I become painfully shy (yes Noelle, SHY!) and I didn't talk much at all, not knowing what to say. But I think the most difficult thing with the night was how much they talked about my mother. My aunt that we had met had known my mother before she had started dating my father, and though they weren't close friends, she remembered her fondly. Then my visiting aunt started talking about the funeral and wake, and things like that, and they just got caught up in talking about cancer and the last days. They weren't saying anyhting bad, they were actually praising my mom and speaking so highly of her. It was just so painful for me, I wanted to run to the bathroom crying, but I didn't want to make a scene and just sucked it up. But in my head I was just screaming, "Please stop talking about my mommy. Please stop talking about my mommy." The pain is still a little too fresh for me.
I guess my mourning is different from what Fatima is going through at home. I think for Fata it's more of a constant thing. She's faced with memories of my mother all the time. For me, it comes in waves. My life is so busy here that I hardly have a chance to eat, much less think of my mom. When I do, I push it out of my head, because it puts me in such a mood that it's hard to climb out of.
I think being alone last Sunday really affected me, and having my aunt here talking about my mom is too much. I know that she's going through her own thing, missing my mom, but I'm just not ready to talk to her about it. I don't think I ever will, I never really had a relationship like that with the adults in my life. So now I'm all grumpy and moody, and those of you who know me know that I'm NEVER like that! I think it's because I'm tired too, all this driving back and forth from the Oaks is really tiring me out. Haven't had much time to rest lately.
I suck at being a hostess.
Posted by Yano at April 13, 2004 11:51 PMI know what you mean about being painfully shy around adults. I have always been like that too. And it's weird, it doesn't get any better as I get older even though I'm an adult now myself.
Everyone has their own way of dealing with grief. I'm sorry that you got caught up in "the adults" way of grieving. In time you will be able to talk about your Mother. But it's just too fresh right now. Hang in there! Hugs!
Posted by: Pridey on April 14, 2004 03:37 AMmaybe dave can hide your aunt in the closet like he did to my shoes... that'll make ya laugh, huh? hehehe...
keep yer chin up, lady! love you! *muwah*
Posted by: bumblebootie on April 14, 2004 07:15 AMOh, Yano, this brought back some sad memories for me. Shortly after my Dad died (I was 27), my husband's parents came to visit us. (From Montana to Seattle) They knew my Dad and I guess they felt we "needed" them. But unlike your situation, they acted like nothing had happened. So we had to play tour guide and I was in no emotional mood for it at all. I was actually mad at my husband that his Dad was still alive. I remember getting into the shower one morning--the only place I could be alone to cry with no one hearing me--and I completely lost it and sat on the bathtub floor with the water running over me and I just sobbed. All I can tell you is that time softens all of this; it just takes time. AAHH, I so feel for you!!!
Posted by: janet on April 14, 2004 08:58 AMeshhh well hopefully when we get there you wont feel too much pressure to entertain us and be able to relax and have a good time....see ya soon
Posted by: Shannon on April 14, 2004 03:38 PMShannon, I'm counting the seconds til you guys get here! I'm going to have so much fun with my girls!
(and dan and steve, too)
janet, thank you so much for sharing! it's a seesaw for me right now...
Posted by: yano on April 14, 2004 05:06 PMAh... shy with adults, huh? I'm way more comfortable with 'adults' than people my own age (even though I am supposedly an adult myself!). Heaven forbid I come face to face with someone much younger than me. I have zero idea what to talk to them about! So tell your aunt to come visit me. I'll know what to talk about! Isn't it funny?
Hope it gets easier for you soon!
Posted by: Noelle on April 14, 2004 05:46 PMWell, everyone deals with death differently so I don't blame you for feeling the way you do. Maybe next time, you can just say you needed to pee or something to go to the bathroom. *hugs* I don't think you're a terrible hostess.. After all, your aunt can't expect to be babysitted especially if you and your hubby work a lot.
Posted by: Lissa on April 14, 2004 06:11 PMgrief is hard no matter what ((hugs)) it's hard when people talk about your loved ones, and hard when they don't. there's no easy way to deal with it, just what feels right for you. the passing of time does help, and you'll never forget your mother's love for you.
Posted by: Sarah on April 14, 2004 11:11 PMI know what you mean about it coming in waves, sisterfriend...
Posted by: Claudine on April 15, 2004 10:03 PM
