Whoa! Convention you say? Damn, those musta been some rowdy conventioneers to bring out the storm troopers. Sure it wasn't World Bank/IMF/various and sundry other globalizer-types? lol

Damn that must have been one bad ass convention!

An enormous rediscovery of self is taking place. I have begun, as a foolish child not realizing that what is needed now in my life is enough solitude to complete my tasks. I feel I have wasted an immense amount of time with women instead of using that limited spare time for my writing and music. It has not been wasted time in one respect. At least I do know what I want in my life. Getting it may be questionable. The ultimate question is how to go about an expansion of soul awareness.
I have much to say and it's been so long in the telling, I cannot seem to begin. Why not as always at the beginning. This is my period of maturation to begin. No more dreams or childish fantasies. I've had more than my share. Finally, I have realized that I am not perfect and that this is an acceptable state. I have fucked up and that is acceptable to me. I'm sorry that I made such a mess of it all, yet, if something is there it will come. The time has come to stop worrying about destiny and looking for it is defined as fate for the reason that it cannot be controlled. I must control and focus upon what is capable of being controlled and that is all. The choice has been made. The active life has won.
Do we all go through this stage where we feel separated or isolated from the world of mutual reality and also divided from ourselves and our positions in this mess? Where we feel fallen angels in a possible Nirvana and have no one to blame other than ourselves. When every phrase becomes self-accusation and despair. Torture, solitude and pain become redemption. Where life pure is a long lost dream and youth and happiness are lost forever to the winds of time. How hopeless are we to become before we change it all. Will we ever realize what has been said for so long in all analysis of society and ourselves and the humaine condition.
I often wonder why our emotional despair does not conquer our "REAL BEINGS". Are we not dead yet? Must we think from the point of view of the dead to realize the importance and responsibility involved in our engagement? What matters have the thoughts of man anyway? Why is no one trying to communicate with the animals? Stupidity is a way of life and not indicated by brain size.
Sex is merely a physical need. Is there no happy medium between the physical and emotional? I have wasted time by having one thought on my mind. I have always needed to satisfy the physical first so that I may rationally approach the intellectual. At least I've discovered where my personal priorities have lain since the beginning. Love frees my intellect to think of the more important things I am ashamed of my approach to it all until now. So much to say, there's been so much on my mind.
Consistency is best if only I could be consistent. But there is so much to be said for fidelity, love, passion and friendship with the same person. I'm the incertain one in a relationship. I've been the wanderer. And I no longer have any excuse; I am no longer young. One realizes that when going out all night is no longer fun and your maturity declines. Age is strange thing. Time creeps up on you until one day you are dead and free from what seems sometimes to be an external strife and sometimes nausea of existence and sometimes an experience so groovy it can't be matched.
What is success? Who really cares? Why think of tomorrow if there may never be one. What if I'm driving home and I lose control of my car and I hit a tree and die? So what! I won't be conscious of it. Death does not scare me, though I don't welcome it. I know there will be no more nausea, no feeling, no emotion and no responsibility. What does scare me is living.
So what have I learned this year thus far? I really can't tell. Always carry a condom because life is a spontaneous adventure. I have learned that I exist. I am vanquished to it, that it nauseates me, those emotion values as much as you’re physical existence. I think therefore I am, so that I do not suicide from the pain of knowing. Time must not have begun if it must end. There is no real end to what we call time. Therefore it is a subjunctive concept and exists as a non-flowing unity. Our definition of its passage is false. Why did people living for 100 years not die? Theory: There was no relationship to time. Time, as a flowing forward entity did not exist. Therefore people could not get old and die. Time and age were unknown, therefore people thought not of their mortality and were thus immortal. One must live in only the present in order to avoid the anguish of a human concept of time..................................................To Be Continued

uh, thanks dude. can't wait to see the ending.

whoa... too many deep thoughts for a sat. morning!