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My mother passed away at around 11am yesterday, November 22nd.
I got the call on Thursday. Claudine called me while I was working, and said, "I'm sorry for calling you at work, but Daddy wants you to call him at the hospital." My heart sank. I called the hospital. My father's voice was very controlled as he spoke to me. "Christine, can you come home tonight?"
Now the last time I went home, my father had called, and I had asked him if I needed to go home, and he said it was my decision. This time, I didn't have to ask. I knew that I had to go home.
He explained little of what was going on, other than he didn't know if she was going to last the night and to come home as soon as possible.
I left work and started the 3 hour drive home. I called my sister and she told me to be careful driving home. I couldn't control the tears from flowing as I drove home in heavy traffic. I would be blotting one eye and keeping the other on the road, then switching. My body was racked with sobs and I came to terms with what was going to happen. I prayed that my mom would wait until me and Claudine came home. A million thoughts raced through my head. The first ones were selfish, my mom wouldn't see her first grandchild, she wouldn't see Claudine or Fatima get married, never see Claudine graduate from med school, or me and Dave get our first house. I thought of how my life would be without my mom, how my whole family's life would be. Thanksgiving, Christmas, even just coming home and knowing that she won't be there. It tore me apart. Over the last few months I've been coming to terms with the reality that my mother would be passing away, but it really hit me then. Then I realized what a full life she had led, raising three daughters that were good children, having a loving husband who stood by her through thick and thin, having a loving, supporting group of family and friends that have been with her and praying for her throughout this whole ordeal. I couldn't stop the tears from flowing. As soon as I would get it under control, I would start thinking again, and the sobs would come right back.
Luckily, I got a flight home later that night that would bring me into Chicago early in the morning. Claudine was also lucky enough to get an early flight out of Des Moines. We came home on Friday morning, and went to the hospital.
It was hard to go back to the hospital. When I had left before, she had been doing so well, she was getting so strong, she was even going to go home. But then she had some complications and her condition worsened. She was happy to see me and Claudine again. We stayed with her most of Friday, and had a flurry of family come and visit. We knew the end was close, and so did she. Since she was on a respirator and her lungs were in such bad condition, she was unable to speak, so we were left to try reading her lips, which was frustrating on both sides. We said what we needed to say to her, not knowing when she would be conscious again or how much time was left, and she talked to each one of us, including my cousins and my aunts. There were many tears shed, but it was beautiful to see how many people's lives she had touched.
Me and my sisters went home to get some rest, and our cousins came to be with us. It felt good to all be together. In the morning, we left early to the hospital to say goodbye. We stayed in the room, as more and more people came in to be with my mom in her last moments. She was surrounded by family and friends. There were about 30 people in the room when my mother passed on, and when the moment happened, the room filled with tears. Everyone grieved in their own way, some having silent tears fall down their cheeks, some turning to hide their tears, some sobbing so hard they could not breathe. My heart was broken a thousand times watching it all, most of all my father, trying to be strong for all of us. I tried to be strong, but during the last moments, just seeing the emotions produced by everyone else, and when she finally breathed her last, I just couldn't hold it in anymore. I held her hand, and I never wanted to let go of it, thinking that by holding on I could still keep her with me. We all hugged each other and we cried together, mourning the passing of a woman we had all come to love.
My mommy wasn't only a mother to just me and my sisters. Ever read the book 'The Joy Luck Club'? I don't have just one mother, I've got several. Five families bringing up their children together. So my mom didn't leave behind 3 children, she left behind all my cousins (well, pseudo cousins), too. And all her best friends were like sisters to her. Women that she met when she came to this country, more than 30 years ago, who she has shared so many of life's events with, raised her children with, and yes, even playing mah-jong at every family party with. This is the first time that any of our families have experienced something like this, so they all took it hard. She was loved by so many, she had touched so many lives, and she herself had led a good, full life filled with love and laughter.
So now, it's all over. Her pain, her struggle, the difficult fight against cancer and everything related, it's the end. And in the end, she still never thought of herself. She said that with her passing, my dad would now be able to rest (he has stayed by her side through all of this). She asked my uncles to take care of my father. She asked Dave to take care of me. She asked my aunts to take care of my sisters. She made sure that my little cousin 'is a good girl' and finishes highschool, and she told my other cousin to go back and finish college no matter what. She made each and every one of us know that she loved us and will continue to love us. She was actually comforting those of us that couldn't bear to see her in this condition. Her strength and courage was incredible, the way she lived life was something to learn from. I could only hope to be even half the woman my mother was, to be loved the way she was loved by her husband, children, family and friends.
So goodbye Mommy. We all love you. We're all doing OK, we're all together, and we're taking care of each other, just like you wanted. We miss you so much already. Our lives won't be the same without you.
I'm gonna live my life
like every days' the last
without a simple goodbye it all goes by so fast
and now that you're gone I can't cry heard enough
I can't cry hard enough
for you to hear me now
gonna open my eyes and see for the first time
I've let go of you like
a child letting go of his kite
There it goes up in the sky
there it goes beyond the clouds
for no reason why
I can't cry hard enough
No, I can't cry hard enough for you to hear me now
gonna look back in vain and see you standing there
when all that remains is just an empty chair
anad now that you're gone
I can't cry hard enough, I can't cry hard enough
for you to hear me now
There it goes, up in the sky
there it goes beyond the clouds
for no reason why
I can't cry hard enough, no I can't cry hard enough
for you to hear me now
OMG. I am so, SO sorry Christine. My deepest condolences are with you and your entire family. This has do be a very difficult time for you. You're in my prayers! Your mom, your guardian angel, will always be watching over you.
Posted by: Kaylene on November 22, 2003 11:33 PMChristine, I'm so sorry. No words of mine seem adequate right now. You wrote a beautiful tribute to your mom. I'm crying as I read it again.
Love, Sarah
My thoughts and prayers are with you and your whole family as you are in such a fragile state.
Coming to know you as I have, there's not doubt in my mind that your mother is nothing but proud of you and that you will continue to make her proud in the woman that you are. Afterall, look at the role model you had. Love you.
Posted by: Tex on November 23, 2003 12:26 AMMy thoughts and prayers also goes out to you and your family, Christine. There is no doubt in anyone's mind that your mom is looking down from heaven right now in admiration of her beautiful family.
Keep that strength up. May God bless you and your family.
Posted by: Lea on November 23, 2003 01:00 AMI'm so sorry, I wish you and your family all the best
Posted by: Gigo on November 23, 2003 04:18 AM:'(
That's a lovely tribute, Christine. Your mom lived a beautiful life.
All my love.
Posted by: Noelle on November 23, 2003 07:44 AMYour mom seems to have had a great life. She had a great daughter. I'm really sorry and wish no one would have to go through such hard tmes. Stay strong Christine. Remember, I'm here for you.
Posted by: Nav on November 23, 2003 07:45 AMChristine, my thoughts and prayers are with your and your family. And just like your dear, sweet Mother, your tribute to her is also beautiful.
oh, Christine - you are so strong and brave to write this tribute to your wonderful and strong mother. i wish i could be there with you, but i'm sending you my deepest condolences from me and my family. i tried to call you last night but i had a feeling you were inundated with phone calls. but Melanie told me what happened... and then Karen told me too. thanks for being so strong for her. i will keep you and you family in my thoughts.
Posted by: Kathy on November 23, 2003 09:40 AMOMG, Christine! I am so sorry for your loss! You are in my thoughts and prayers today. I'm sending some big hugs from Cleveland to you and your family. *HUGS HUGS HUGS*
Posted by: jennie on November 23, 2003 10:42 AMmy sympathy to you and your family christine.
Posted by: chris on November 23, 2003 11:05 AMaww.. i'm sorry christine. my thoughts and prayers go out to her, you, and your family. =(
Posted by: Linda on November 23, 2003 11:07 AMi'm sorry christine. my thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.
Posted by: jamie on November 23, 2003 11:31 AMChristine, my thoughts and prayers are with you and your family right now. I'm so sorry. *hugs*
I'm very sorry, Christine.
You wrote a beautiful tribute to your mother.
You and your family will be in my thoughts.
Much love, kisses, and hugs,
-Lisa
Christine, my thoughts and prayers are with you and your family. What you wrote brought tears to my eyes, and I wish you only the best right now to get through this difficult time. xo.
Posted by: Stephani on November 23, 2003 02:49 PMomg yano, i was just told about this. i am SO sorry to hear this. i asked how she was in mqt, and now i hear this. my thoughts go out to you and your family. :'(
Posted by: monique(butta) on November 23, 2003 03:13 PMWhat a beautiful tribute to your mom. She sounds like an incredible woman. You are quite a woman yourself to be able to write something so beautiful so soon.
My heart goes out to your and your family. God Bless all of you.
Posted by: Trisha on November 23, 2003 03:16 PMChristine......I am SO sorry for your loss! Your mom sounds like a very special woman. My thoughts and prayers will be with you and your family. God bless all of you.
Posted by: Linda (Cheryl) on November 23, 2003 03:22 PMChristine,
I am so sorry. My condolances to you and your entire extended family. You wrote such a beautiful tribute to your Mother, she was an incredible woman, much loved, and her legacy lives on in you and your sisters and family.
Yano, I am so sorry for your loss. I have tears running down my face right now. I KNOW what you are going through and I know it is so hard for your right now. Your words were so moving. Your mother was nothing but proud of you. And she had every right to be. She brought up a very beautiful (inside and out), loving caring person. She was really good at her job and she did it well.
Please except my deepest condolences! HUGS Sweetie, it will be OK! :**(
Posted by: Pridey on November 23, 2003 04:31 PMI am so shocked and saddened by this news. My very deepest condolences to you and your family.
The tribute you’ve written was so loving and beautiful, it left me in tears. You’ve described a tremendous woman. Obviously you are your mother’s daughter; she will always be alive within you.
Take care of yourself, and my best to all whose lives she has touched.
Christine,
I saw this post last night, and it's taken me a day to just find any words.
My prayers to you & your family during this hard time. You always spoke so highly of her, it was evident that she was a remarkable woman.
Christine,
I've been praying for strength, love, and guidance during this difficult time for you and your family. Please accept my deepest condolences. Your tribute is immensely beautiful and honest I have tears running down my face. My it comfort you to know that myself and many others are praying and thinking about your family during this time of loss. God bless you, your mother raised 3 beautiful thoughtful daughters.
Posted by: Amy on November 23, 2003 05:36 PMChristine, I'm so sorry to hear about your mom. She sounds like a very special woman.
My thoughts are with you and your family during this hard time. All of you take care and be strong.
Posted by: Zen on November 23, 2003 05:38 PMBest wishes, Christine, to you and your family.
Posted by: Wally on November 23, 2003 05:56 PMMy prayers are with you and youre family Christine.Stay stong.
Posted by: L . A on November 23, 2003 06:06 PMI am so sorry for your loss Christine. Your tribute to your mother was beautiful. Please know that you and your family are in my prayers.
Posted by: Sue on November 23, 2003 06:29 PMChristine, Claudine, & Fatima
All 3 of you are very strong women, and trust me...your mom is definitely looking down on you from wherever she is with a big smile on her face...she can be nothing but proud of all of you...don't forget that...my deepest condolences to the whole family...you are all in my prayers
-Thara
God works by design, not accident. Let her live on through you. And that song says it all don't it... My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.
Posted by: Teri on November 23, 2003 06:55 PMI'm so sorry.... you mom sounds like a beautiful person inside and out. You and your family are lucky to have had her in your lives. =)
My thoughts and prayers will be with you. It's hard to lose a loved one but most of all a mother....
Take care of yourself ...
I found this quote from Leo Buscaglia: "Ancient Egyptians believed that upon death they would be asked two questions and their answers would determine whether they could continue their journey in the afterlife. The first question was, 'Did you bring joy?' The second was, 'Did you find joy?'" I'm sure your mom would be able to answer yes to both. My condolences to you and your family.
Posted by: Bookman on November 23, 2003 07:18 PMOh Christine, I can't tell you how deeply sorry I am to hear this sad news. My condolences to you and your family, your in my thoughts in prayers. And like Kaylene said, your mom is your guardian angel, she'll always be with you in spirit! And what a beautiful tribute to her, so fitting for a woman as you always have described as being an incredibly beautiful person. I wish all the best to you and your family. Stay strong!
*HUGS*
Sincerely, Jen
Posted by: Jen on November 23, 2003 07:27 PM
we are so sorry. Our thoughts and prayers go out to your entire family. Your mom will always be with you, just look in your heart and she will always be by your side. take care of yourself.
Christine,
I am so sorry to hear about your mother. I will keep you and your family in my thoughts and prayers.
Kelly
Posted by: Kelly on November 23, 2003 10:54 PMChristine,
I am sorry for your loss. I know that you and your family have been preparing for this, but there is no way that it could ever be easy. You wrote a beautiful tribute for those that did not know your mom. She is and will always be proud of you and your sisters. And remember, you will always have a beautiful spirit to guide you for anything that you want to accomplish in your goals. My prayers and thoughts are with you and your family.
Jerry
Posted by: Jerry on November 24, 2003 06:42 AMchristine... there's no need to say how my heart and soul goes out to you and the family. i cannot even begin to imagine what is going on right now, but my thoughts and prayers are with you all. tita cris led a full life and you got to see her. she was not (or ever) alone. i'm sitting here crying right now, after reading what you've written. she's lucky to have such beautiful people who love her and will always remember the beauty in her eyes and heart. i love you christine, take care.
Posted by: Chariya on November 24, 2003 06:46 AMChristine I wish there was something I could say to ease your sorrow. I'm so very sorry and my heart goes out to you and your loved ones. Please know we are all here for you whatever you may need.
Posted by: Lara on November 24, 2003 06:54 AMChristine,
"Sadness flies on the wings of the morning, and out of the heart of darkness comes the light."
Jean Giraudoux
I'll keep you and your family in my prayers.
Posted by: tysha on November 24, 2003 06:58 AMI'm at a loss for words. What a beautiful tribute to your mother. She has every right to be so proud of you. I am sending my thoughts and prayers to you and your family.
Posted by: Melinda on November 24, 2003 11:02 AMI'm so sorry for your loss, Christine. Please accept my most heartfelt condolences and prayers. It's comprehensible.
Posted by: soo on November 24, 2003 11:04 AMChristine,
I have no words to express how sorry I feel about your lost ,,, I tried to put myself in your spot and cannot conceive not having my mother by my side. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family. God bless.
Let me join with those above me and send my heartfelt condolences. You write a touching tribute to your mother and those who knew her were surely blessed.
Posted by: Denise B on November 24, 2003 12:19 PMJust checking in to send my love, and a *hug*, and to say I'm with you in spirit. Hang in there.
Posted by: Denise on November 24, 2003 12:32 PMHey Christine,
I am very, very sorry about your loss. My thoughts and prayers are on you and your family...take care, and God bless...
Posted by: Pat on November 24, 2003 10:49 PMChristine,
i read it today but will never say its old coz when u loose ur parents it seems like just today, I can feel the pain coz i lost my dad the most precious thing in the world and its been 2-1/2 yrs but i just cant come to terms with it, I hope you are at peace now since you must have come to terms--may god give us all peace and strenght to bear the pain of the departed ones.
