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The last year of my life has been crazy. More the last several months than anything. Before the last year, I knew who I was, I was happy with I was. Everything went my way. Sure, there were hardships, but I got over them. But over the last few months, I've constantly been challenged with taking a step back to look at who I am, why I do the things that I do, to second guess myself, to not like myself. But when I look at the full picture, I'm essentially the same person I was a year ago. But maybe it's the company I'm in that has changed.
So what do I do? I dunno.
I've met some people who have changed my life. For better and for worse. I've made some really good friends. And I guess I've made some enemies. Which I find really funny, yet really hurtful in a way. Yeah, in the past I've had people hate me. I've had people talk shit about me. And I feel, in a way, that they had every right to. Because of things that I did to them, or to people close to them. But I don't understand people who tear people down just for the fact of who they are, who they know, or what they see from the outside. And I don't understand how I could have thought I got along with someone, but later feel the whispers and the hostility behind my back, for just being me. I'm not an angel, I'm not perfect, and I'm not expecting the world to kiss the ground I walk on.
People tell me that I can't have everyone like me. I know. I really do. But I can't help but WANT them to like me. Feel hurt when they don't. Feel angry when I feel that they're just being nice to me to my face. I just don't understand. I try. I really do. Because even though I know, I still like them. That's what's trippy. But I don't know how to deal with these situations. After living a life as someone so invisible, someone forgettable, someone people laughed at, someone's who's name no one remembered....I loved making friends, meeting new people, learning to be social....But for as much as it looked like it, I didn't want the spotlight on me. I was happy just being an observer. Watching this wonderful world go by. Trying to enjoy the ride while it lasted.
But I don't know if I want to be on that ride anymore. I'm just so tired of it. Tired of holding back and not defending myself or defending the people I care about. Tired of feeling like I have to answer for my actions or feel bad for the good things that have happened in my life. People I've talked to call it jealousy. Not to take it personally. Not to be so sensitive. Not to show that it's bothering me. But it does. And a little part of me is afraid that maybe it IS me. Maybe that dark part of me that I thought I left behind years ago has come back, and that I AM the person that they think they see. Who knows....sometimes I don't know who I am anymore.
I've been spending too much time alone. I'm about to break. This traveling is killing me. I have nothing familar around me. No touchstone to bring me back to reality. I'm homesick. I miss my dog. I miss my sisters. I miss Dave.
Thanks to the people who have listened to me. Who've tried to bring me out of this funk. I love you, and I appreciate it. I know I'm loved. I never forget that.
I can't wait to go home tomorrow. Sorry for the rant. Just needed to vent a bit and just babble on. Don't even know if it makes sense.
I'm going to go and gorge myself on the Cinnabons that I have warming up on my heater now.
Posted by Yano at March 13, 2003 09:17 PMmayn, you're stupid. but that's why i love you. u kno wut u need to do. and don't woorie, me n claudine are comin home tomorrow. and soon, you'll be sick of seein our adorable lil angel faces. booyah. yeaaaaaahhhh!!! :D
Posted by: fata on March 13, 2003 09:27 PMChristine, you ARE loved. Unfortunately, the flip side of that is that sometimes others resent it. So they try to get even by reflecting back at you the negativity they are feeling.
I know, it's hard to brush it off. It stings, esp. when people who act like your friend act another way when your back is turned. Try not to worry about it too much. There is no pleasing some people. Live your life and please yourself.
Posted by: Noelle on March 13, 2003 10:41 PMHey Christine, I really enjoy all the work you have done as far as your sites cause that is all I know you by, but you are a really great person. Thanks for all the hard work. And remember that you have to have bad/hard times to make the good/easy times be really good.
Posted by: Teri on March 13, 2003 10:53 PMawwww!!!! Christine! I love u!!! u r way too cool for school! =P
Posted by: Candace on March 13, 2003 11:00 PMi know that you know that you are loved, but . . . Christine, I love you! :)
i figured it'd post what a lot of people use to write in yearbooks since it pertains to this, "Stay so sweet! Don't ever change!" :)
Posted by: Linda on March 13, 2003 11:11 PMIt's natural to want to be liked by others, it's only human, however it's important to distinguish between toxic and true friends. Why invest time, effort and emotional attachment with someone who isn't willing to invest in you? A handful of true friends is ultimately more valuable than a group of acquaintances. I've learned to simply be "you" and that genuinity IS enough. You have nothing to prove, you are recognized and appreciated for who you are. This "alone" time can be lonely, but I've learned that it is a catalyst to a deeper awareness of yourself and others, it's a therapeutic review of your beliefs, ideas and perceptions of what surrounds us is all about. See it as a postive thing!
Posted by: fireinmybelly on March 13, 2003 11:13 PMchristine christine... sorry to see you're a little lost right now. just remember that i'm here too! talk to me. let me know what's up. i may not be able to fix things but at least i can be a friend. i miss you... lots... and you're only next door. how sad is that?!?!
and i've been through what you're going through. and it's tough when you're feeling alone. i'm sure lots of people have felt it at one point or another. but noelle is right. live your life. be true to yourself. never have any regrets. no matter what anyone says. i've known you since birth and i've seen you grow and change. and there were times when i haven't agreed with something you said or did. but in the end it never made me think any less of you. because you seemed happy with who you were and i admired you for that. so never ever let anyone put you down or make you feel less than you are. because to me... you're wonderful... love you! and remember... smile! i'm watching you! hehehe...
Posted by: bumblebootie on March 13, 2003 11:20 PMI've hurt some people too and I'm dissapointed that they can't forgive me and come to the wedding; they declined today.
Christine, never regret anything. If something goes wrong either your doing or out of your control; seize the situation and make do. Once you 'feel' it is under control, you'll feel better.
Time heals all wounds.
Posted by: Mona on March 13, 2003 11:31 PMhmm...i was thinking about this some more...and i came to the conclusion...well...for the most part wut everyone else has been saying:
1) be urself
2) u are loved
& 3) ditch those losers! if they resent u for being the cool person u r, then u don't need them! =P becuz u r worth way more than that!
love ya, christine =)
Posted by: Candace on March 13, 2003 11:50 PMwhoa. . .
seems like we're all going through this big funk as of late. . .
you know we're all here for you. and that we all love you. i mean, who else is going to buy me drinks until i'm legal? heheheh. . .*cough*
but seriously, you've been an awesome friend, and i highly value your friendship. =)
Posted by: bernadette on March 14, 2003 12:59 AMReflective is right. Why am I reading blogs at 5am? I'm indulging in rented movies about other people, and reading about other people's lives. I wanna live vicariously, but I know there's a life I gotta get movin.
Just remember, Christine, and take it from a once consultant. Home will always call you back, it'll always be there. You won't be a wandering nomad because someone will always be there to welcome you back.
Posted by: Mike on March 14, 2003 05:17 AMYeah, what Noelle said! And btw, I adore you too, because you're warm and sweet and you make me laugh all the time, and because you love the hell out of life. Oh, and because we have the same taste in uh...butts. ;)
Take it from someone who spent a lifetime the victim of someone else's rage. Living well IS the best revenge. Pick yourself up, brush yourself off, and keep on going. Maybe these people ruined your day, but don't let them break your spirit. If you do that, you're letting them win. Don't let them win.
Posted by: Denise on March 14, 2003 11:56 AMwow, you got a good support team, here, Yano... and add me to the bunch! i'm just going to say ME, TOO! :) smile and the whole world smiles with you... frown and you stand alone.
Posted by: Kathy on March 14, 2003 02:25 PMsMiLe :) we all love you and care about you!!
Posted by: Beth on March 14, 2003 03:53 PMChristine, I echo what Noelle and fireinmybelly said. It was wonderful meeting you in SLC. It was great meeting such a genuine, fun person. Hope you feel better soon!
Posted by: Joanna on March 14, 2003 07:14 PMChristine - I usually don't post on your blog, but I have been enjoying your site for a while now. What makes me come back to someone's blog that I've never met (except vicariously thru the web & OZ)? - Well, I have to say that you have an incredible spirit that reaches out to the world, embraces all the wonderment of life & new experiences, while sharing love and much laughter to anyone & everyone. That being said, I've found that whenever someone has a great spirit and is happy, there is always someone that can't stand it, and they are only happy themselves until they make that person miserable too. That is their goal. You can't change them, and you can't do anything about it. So you do what is the most healing, and is the best revenge- -you live life to the fullest, and let the "haters" go......
I just felt the need to give you a few words of encouragement. Life has really been kicking me in the @ss lately, but guess where I enjoy coming that always makes me smile?! (yep, yano's blog .. :) I just wanted to thank you for sharing your wonderful spirit. You may never know how many people you affect in a positive way throughout your life, but my bet is that your spirit has caused many, many ripples of blessings in peoples lives.
Posted by: Stef(NC) on March 15, 2003 11:27 AMso, i'm here at school and i'm on a mac. so the fonts aren't the same as if i was viewing it on a pc. im reading the eloquent speech by stef and i get to the last statement "You may never know how many people you affect in a positive way throughout your life, but my bet is that your spirit has caused many, many ripples of blessings in peoples lives." and RIPPLES, looked like NIPPLES. I SWEAR!! I even asked my friend next to me and he agreed that it looked like nipples, and then asked me what kinda site are you on at school?!?!?
I don't know about anyone else, but I agree with Stef, my nipples have been blessed for having known you. :p
Oh, sisterfriend. I love ya, ya big slug. Even when you threaten to punch me. =P
Anyhoo, some people just have way too much time on their hands, have a really warped sense of reality, and/or apparently don't have a grasp on what's really important in life and would rather spend what time they have on earth being resentful. So screw those people. Don't let them take you down while they're bringing themselves down. Not worth your time or your worry. Let them be bitter, let them be envious, let them allow life's bumps to prevent them from finding happiness. You go ahead and enjoy your life, be thankful for the blessings you've been given, and be happy. I'm supposed to be the cranky one, remember?
Posted by: Claud on March 15, 2003 09:50 PMHey Christine! I hope you don't mind me sharing a fav quote, few words of poetry, with you, here goes:
Because I was trusted,
Because I was accepted,
Because I was loved
And I loved in return,
I've been given a priceless gift:
Your freindship to brighten my life
And touch my heart time and time again.
************************
I can totally understand your feelings when you wrote the other day, been there, but the love you put out there always comes back, it's not for nothing, maybe not always direct, but it returns -look at all these comments - you've got serious friends girl. I've enjoyed your company online, in SLC, Bay City, and looking forward to Marquette!
Take care, smile!
Lol! Rod you're crazy! *snicker*
I nearly spit my pepsi out reading your post. (Just like a man - always thinking about nipples. LOL! :)
Sorry to get off topic Christine, but Rod made laugh.
Posted by: Stef(NC) on March 19, 2003 12:00 PM