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I'm so angry right now. Angrier than I've been in a while. And for those of you that know me, I don't get angry often. It's so rare that I don't know how to deal with it. I'm silent. I cry. I shut myself away. I don't want to talk to anyone or see anyone. I think horrible thoughts. I'm like a child that has been reprimanded on the playground, forced to be away from the other kids, standing apart, whose jaw is set in a thin line, fists clenched, as hot tears fall silently down from eyes staring at an unseen foe. Even after the long drive home, trying to figure it out and calm myself down, I haven't come to a resolution. The sad thing is, I'm not even sure what I'm angry at. If you asked me, I think I'd say that I've been hurt. But it's more than that, and less than that. I'm sad. I'm tired. But I can't pin it down. Betrayed? Wary? Insulted? Is it what was said? Or how it was said? I dunno. What is also fueling it is that I don't understand. I need to understand things. And when I don't, when I can't fit it into my little world that I've created in my head, I don't know what to do. And I know I'm sensitive. And I know that I'm blowing everything out of proportion. But who can stop how they feel? How can I turn away from the gut reaction I have when words are said? What the hell am I doing?
Funny how your feelings can change so quickly in a matter of hours.
I can blame it on a crappy day at work. I can blame it on not managing my time right. I can blame it on making assumptions when I don't know how people really feel, letting life go on like everything's ok and not preparing myself for any bumps that might happen in the future. I can blame it on me giving the impression to people that I'm strong and that nothing can hurt me, when in fact, a lot does. I just don't let on that it does. But it builds up. It's funny that I mentioned the roller coaster of emotion before, under the impression that I was off it, for even a little while. But no. It comes back. Up and down and up and down. More downs than up as of late.
And I'm so tired. Not even just physically, but my soul is tired.
For those of you that have put their trust in me, I thank you. You'll never know how much it means to me right now.
For those of you that don't, well, I can only be myself. You have to decide on your own if you trust me or not.
Sorry for the venting.
Posted by Yano at January 24, 2003 06:20 PMbreathe in, breathe out...
hang in there, Christine... just remember that there are people around you (or even far away from you) that you can talk to... just to vent... even just to keep you company in a room, sitting in silence. it's hard to voice what's inside, sometimes... sometimes you just want to SCREAM!!! and sometimes a scream does a body good.
Posted by: Kathy on January 24, 2003 06:38 PMbtw, did you know that MT comes with it's own built-in comment system... so that if someone sends you a comment, you will get it in an e-mail. i believe there might be a YAACS comment import, too, somewhere...
Posted by: Kathy on January 24, 2003 06:39 PMThis IS an MT comment box, Kat! I'm not gonna bother with the yaccs import. they've been so touch and go lately.
I'm doing better. Playing with ewok is making it a little better. Thanks, Kat! Can't wait til you come to town! Todai! Todai! Todai!
Posted by: Yano on January 24, 2003 07:10 PMtomorrow is another day. leave your gloomy friday and enjoy your weekend! take care, w
Posted by: Walter Punsapy on January 24, 2003 07:31 PMjust the thought of Todai should bring a smile to anyone's face :)
Posted by: Pooh on January 24, 2003 09:58 PMSorry you're still on that roller coaster, Christine. I hope you can get some rest and let loose this weekend so you can think about something else.
Posted by: Noelle on January 24, 2003 10:40 PMwhy did i think you were still using YAACS? dur. my bad! :)
Posted by: Kathy on January 25, 2003 02:27 AMooOOoo...Todai!... christine, if it'll make you feel a little better I'll take you to todai for dinner again this week... mmMMmmm... i can use a little comfort too nowadays... :) *mwuah* you know where i am if ya need to vent...
Posted by: bumblebootie on January 25, 2003 11:21 AMMademoiselle and fellow comics geek, I'm sad to see you are distressed. Here's a virtual hug and a warm wish that you, with your supportive friends and fiance, will get through this difficulty together. :)
Posted by: Raymond on January 26, 2003 02:03 AMI am feeling pretty dire too. Yano's words sums up my feelings exactly. I feel let down and irritated by the world.
Posted by: Just Me on April 30, 2003 10:58 AM
